[OOC] Post-red thread essay
Nov. 16th, 2011 08:33 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
zettaiBecause I felt it could use an essay right now! This is an essay about Lambda's relationship with Rika, largely through a lens of how different it is from her relationship with Bernkastel.
Rika is closely related to Bern and her birth--everyone knows this, and it's definitely a part of why Lambda is so drawn to Rika and something that plays a big part in their relationship. At the same time, though, Rika is not Bern; their values and attitudes are, on many fronts, completely different. The thing about Lambda's relationship with Bern is that so much of it is colored by the kind of person Bern is. The things they do together, the way they treat each other--as unconventional as it is for two people supposedly in love, that's just the way they roll because of who they are. They accept and understand each other's cruelty with no problem, so the thought of suffocating each other death in a bath full of konpeito is ~super romantic~ to them. There's pretty much a mutual unspoken agreement that no matter what kind of terrible things they do to each other it won't change what they have. And Lambda does not really expect a lot of "affection" from Bern. Bern is cold and bitter and nearly dead inside and is not really capable of showing compassion for others. Lambda is the one person who is able to get close enough and move her heart enough to make her feel love, but Bern's dead heart is still really only capable of so much--that doesn't mean she'll treat Lambda with kindness, and she'd almost certainly put her own self-interest before Lambda's well-being. Lambda is aware of and perfectly okay with that.
The thing is, with Rika, that changes. Rika is nowhere as twisted as Bern--for lack of a better way to put it, killing and torturing is not something intrinsically part of her nature. So while Bern wanting to shank Lambda to death and hang her corpse on a wall translates to super romantic kya kya, with Rika it's... a little more complicated when she's willing to hurt Lambda, because when Rika's hurting her it's something separated from Rika's idea of love, whereas with Bern it's not. Basically, it's all relative: although Rika shows more caring for Lambda than Bern does objectively, Bern pretty much loves Lambda to the capacity she possibly can whereas with Rika it's a pull between affection and a specially tailored hate.
On another note, Lambda is extremely confident in her relationship with Bern! There is pretty much no doubt in her mind about what they share or how they feel about each other at all, and I don't think that anything could really shake that. She understands Bern fully, and sees why they need and love each other clearly. She knows she is Bern's most important person, and understands why Bern acts the way she does. She also firmly believes that she is good for Bern--that her presence in Bern's life makes her happier and helps her cope with her existence.
With Rika... not so much. Not only is Rika harder for Lambda to naturally read, that ever present pull between love and hate makes Lambda much less secure in the relationship they have. She is definitely not as crazy and neurotic "I LOVE YOU BUT YOU ONLY HATE ME" like she was under red thread yandere effect, but it was an exaggeration of something that does nag a bit at Lambda's mind. I mean, she's not so unperceptive as to not have realized that Rika really does love her to an extent, but it's harder for her to see how much the love and hate respectively weigh in when it comes to how Rika feels towards her. There's also the fact that Lambda is aware that although she is someone important to Rika, she can't exactly claim she is healthy for Rika. She realizes she constantly hurts Rika and drives her crazy, and honestly is probably a terrible influence. Lambda is not entirely sure about how much Rika really cares about her in comparison to other people, and is even less secure about whether she deserves to expect Rika to care about her at all. She tries to make Rika happy in her own way as much as possible, but she realizes that it's probably not something possible for her to fully do because of who she is and what she's done.
So because of that, when Rika pushed away as much as she did during the red thread event--saying things to imply she hated Lambda more than once and fighting to cut the strings that tied them together--it left a pretty strong impression on Lambda. Most of Lambda's behavior and reactions were ridiculously amped up by the red thread so she's aware not everything done or said during the event was genuine, but to her in retrospect, Rika's actions on that front made sense to her as something that weren't merely brought about the effect. Lambda can be extremely selfish, but she cares enough about Rika at this point that if she thinks letting Rika be free of her is honestly and truly in Rika's best interest, she's willing to let her go--hence why she ended up cutting the strings herself (and her selfishness came into play in the fact that she wanted to be the one making that decision and not Rika).
Basically, the red thread event sort of ended up working as a catalyst for Lambda to step back and wonder what the hell she really thinks she's doing in regards to Rika.
the end i'm sorry my essays make no sense
Rika is closely related to Bern and her birth--everyone knows this, and it's definitely a part of why Lambda is so drawn to Rika and something that plays a big part in their relationship. At the same time, though, Rika is not Bern; their values and attitudes are, on many fronts, completely different. The thing about Lambda's relationship with Bern is that so much of it is colored by the kind of person Bern is. The things they do together, the way they treat each other--as unconventional as it is for two people supposedly in love, that's just the way they roll because of who they are. They accept and understand each other's cruelty with no problem, so the thought of suffocating each other death in a bath full of konpeito is ~super romantic~ to them. There's pretty much a mutual unspoken agreement that no matter what kind of terrible things they do to each other it won't change what they have. And Lambda does not really expect a lot of "affection" from Bern. Bern is cold and bitter and nearly dead inside and is not really capable of showing compassion for others. Lambda is the one person who is able to get close enough and move her heart enough to make her feel love, but Bern's dead heart is still really only capable of so much--that doesn't mean she'll treat Lambda with kindness, and she'd almost certainly put her own self-interest before Lambda's well-being. Lambda is aware of and perfectly okay with that.
The thing is, with Rika, that changes. Rika is nowhere as twisted as Bern--for lack of a better way to put it, killing and torturing is not something intrinsically part of her nature. So while Bern wanting to shank Lambda to death and hang her corpse on a wall translates to super romantic kya kya, with Rika it's... a little more complicated when she's willing to hurt Lambda, because when Rika's hurting her it's something separated from Rika's idea of love, whereas with Bern it's not. Basically, it's all relative: although Rika shows more caring for Lambda than Bern does objectively, Bern pretty much loves Lambda to the capacity she possibly can whereas with Rika it's a pull between affection and a specially tailored hate.
On another note, Lambda is extremely confident in her relationship with Bern! There is pretty much no doubt in her mind about what they share or how they feel about each other at all, and I don't think that anything could really shake that. She understands Bern fully, and sees why they need and love each other clearly. She knows she is Bern's most important person, and understands why Bern acts the way she does. She also firmly believes that she is good for Bern--that her presence in Bern's life makes her happier and helps her cope with her existence.
With Rika... not so much. Not only is Rika harder for Lambda to naturally read, that ever present pull between love and hate makes Lambda much less secure in the relationship they have. She is definitely not as crazy and neurotic "I LOVE YOU BUT YOU ONLY HATE ME" like she was under red thread yandere effect, but it was an exaggeration of something that does nag a bit at Lambda's mind. I mean, she's not so unperceptive as to not have realized that Rika really does love her to an extent, but it's harder for her to see how much the love and hate respectively weigh in when it comes to how Rika feels towards her. There's also the fact that Lambda is aware that although she is someone important to Rika, she can't exactly claim she is healthy for Rika. She realizes she constantly hurts Rika and drives her crazy, and honestly is probably a terrible influence. Lambda is not entirely sure about how much Rika really cares about her in comparison to other people, and is even less secure about whether she deserves to expect Rika to care about her at all. She tries to make Rika happy in her own way as much as possible, but she realizes that it's probably not something possible for her to fully do because of who she is and what she's done.
So because of that, when Rika pushed away as much as she did during the red thread event--saying things to imply she hated Lambda more than once and fighting to cut the strings that tied them together--it left a pretty strong impression on Lambda. Most of Lambda's behavior and reactions were ridiculously amped up by the red thread so she's aware not everything done or said during the event was genuine, but to her in retrospect, Rika's actions on that front made sense to her as something that weren't merely brought about the effect. Lambda can be extremely selfish, but she cares enough about Rika at this point that if she thinks letting Rika be free of her is honestly and truly in Rika's best interest, she's willing to let her go--hence why she ended up cutting the strings herself (and her selfishness came into play in the fact that she wanted to be the one making that decision and not Rika).
Basically, the red thread event sort of ended up working as a catalyst for Lambda to step back and wonder what the hell she really thinks she's doing in regards to Rika.
the end i'm sorry my essays make no sense
no subject
Date: 2011-11-17 02:12 am (UTC)I need to essay on this too, probably. Rika is so weird about Lambda, and the red threads hit her in such a weird spot. IDK at this point if Lambda leaving her would be good for her? Temporarily, it would be very bad obviously. And I think if Lambda could convince her that it was actually for her own good it might work. ...But Rika is kind of jealous of Bern in a lot of ways, and I suspect it would just make her go fuck it and go crazier because WHY NOT.
I suspect what they really need is to be tied together during a truth post, really.
no subject
Date: 2011-11-17 02:25 am (UTC)It probably wouldn't be that good for Rika, but! Lambda is basically convincing herself that it would and it's what Rika really wants and thinking of how to make it work at the moment, while going "ugh i'm an idiot" at herself for getting too friendly with Rika in the first place.
That could possibly do it, yes!
no subject
Date: 2011-11-17 02:29 am (UTC)...Actually if Lambda's gone too long, Rika will probably hunt her down unless Lambda actively avoids her even when Rika's actively looking for her.
no subject
Date: 2011-11-17 02:36 am (UTC)How she would react would probably depend on what Rika says and how far along Lambda is... in her plan to sink her own relationship gj lambda. I KIND OF WANT TO USE CAMP MAGIC TO PUT HER IN THE CR POST even though right now she wouldn't be anywhere near Rika willingly